Kicking up Dust on Memory Lane

Posted: March 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

Wow.

So I’ve spent a good part of my morning swimming through my endless sea of folders and files scattered across several computers, external hard drives and jump drives. I am attempting to organize the chaos, and in so doing am coming across self-reflective writings and audio recordings more than a decade old. They speak of a life unfulfilled, of frustration, of demons and sadness and a sense of being lost and without direction. There is drinking and smoking, audio clips from parties, and from private self-reflections, there is writing about goals and fear and despair… It is a little striking, looking through this window at a Me that once was.

My first impression, how morose and inspired I can be all at once! I was so passionate, creative, and yet there is a sense of desolation and fear of a stark and failing future. I am constantly setting up goals, with constantly running threads of quitting smoking, putting a stop to the partying, getting serious about health and fitness, and forever searching for jobs. I am lamenting in recordings about the fate I have created for myself and that the only way it will change is if I change. There are money issues, legal issues, car issues, life issues…

To be fair it’s rather inspiring, considering where I am now (so many of those boxes that remained unticked for years are ticked now). The passion and creativity is also interesting, that idea of inspiration drawn from suffering somehow exemplified by my struggles to break bad patterns and find a path in life.

The next thing I noticed is the myriad of half-written works left behind in the wake of my meandering whirlwind of inspired desperation. So many writing projects, so many started stories that are a paragraph, a page or even chapters long. A few are solidly between halfway and fully being a complete book. Another of those to-do list items that worry a constant thread though my ramblings is this need to ‘get back to’ writing. This is a thread that has continued to this day, a 15 year reminder to return to my writings, to create, and ultimately finish, the stories in my mind.

This is perhaps the greatest casualty of my life, that my writings are always in flux, that my bouts of creativity come in waves. At times I was writing for months at a time, at others only weeks or even a few days of fevered inspiration. Yet there is this eternal lack of completion. The smoking, drinking, jobs, education… these things I slowly conquered and put behind me. But the writing, it is forever my passion, and forever my burden.

Ah, so now the grim reflections of my youth are seeping into my present day. Nice to see you 20-something Mike, can I borrow some of that passion and creativity? Yes, this is my house. Yes, I have a beautiful wife who supports me and makes me laugh everyday. Haha yeah man, I did become an archaeologist. Crazy right? You were a part of that.

On that note, I need to turn to those very writings and make something inspired today. No prompts, no fun writing exercises…. I need to pick a project out of the pile and run with it.

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